No life by design nor personal growth experience is ever truly appreciated until it is faced with the challenge of overcoming adversity in some way, shape or form.
My story today relates to a recent personal experience of grief and loss, un-planned and unexpected.
This isn’t the first blog post I thought I would be writing on my inspired robyn page…
My ideas I’d developed for a series of posts were more focused on; “Surviving morning sickness while you work your home based business”, and; “Pregnancy, Multiple Sclerosis and Working from home is possible”
Instead, my story changes to that of grieving loss, overcoming adversity and creating a new picture.
I am known by those who know me well, to be a bit of an over-sharer. Keeping my surprise pregnancy news quiet was a test. For most pregnant women it’s typical to get past 12 to 15 weeks gestation time to be “safe” before telling the world. Given recent events, I’m grateful I waited.
My miscarriage journey began on a Thursday morning when I awoke to some bleeding and went to my Obstetrician to do an ultrasound. There was no heartbeat, no 7 week old embryo. Just what looked to be an embryo that was 6 weeks but so tiny it was impossible to see.
I spent the following weekend on miscarriage alert yet still feeling very pregnant. Ironically, the previous weekend I’d decided to go buy maternity bra’s as pregnancy hormones were on overdrive (those who have had babies may understand). I’d been feeling morning sickness for about four weeks. It was surreal and very confusing to experience two spectrums at once.
In my mind I understood how being aged 40, this scenario has a much higher chance of occurring, Google searches and Pregnancy Forums were also enlightening me to the sad facts of miscarriage happening to so many women… too many women.
Overcoming adversity at this point was like the universes way of nudging a life changing decision along
It was only the beginning of January when Craig, Bridie and I had made our bold move from living in my hometown of Melbourne to the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. Unbeknownst to us we conceived smack bang in the midst of all this chaos and upheaval. The decision to move to QLD is a whole other story though…
I had spent the better part of January and February busting out of my old bras, feeling nauseous, and bloated, up and down all night to the loo – the typical pregnancy story.
I had gathered a mind-plan of how our new addition would fit into our life all the while staying with a friend, house-hunting, school hunting, moving, un-packing and getting back into my biz groove.
Questions were in my mind like:
- How will I go travelling to our European cruise event in June during trimester two?
- When will I be nesting?
- The baby is due in the September school holidays so we won’t have school run and Bridie can enjoy being a new big sister!
- When we will announce?
- We might need a new car?
- How am I going to structure my biz around this nausea, fatigue and distraction?
So many strategies to implement and a whole new, unexpected picture of our 2016!! I was adjusting and looking forward. My blood tests were all glowing and my new GP was in awe at how healthy I was. My lifestyle changes the past couple of years were paying off.
I will label it the “miscarriage watch weekend”…
Having lived with multiple sclerosis diagnosis for eight years, re-discovering personal development and overcoming adversity of anxiety and depression in my past, I was feeling a sense of losing control again. My monkey mind was understandably on overdrive!
One strategy for overcoming adversity with my overactive mind at this time was to plug into my Eckhart Tolle audios. The aim being to distract my mind, feed it wisdom of presence, do my best to shut down the over-thinking monkey mind.
I also tried to do a little of my personal development. I tried to work on my blog, work on my business, called my enquiries – but I was definitely distracted.
I was on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Despite all the efforts to step out of my mind I did lose it quite a few times. Succumbed to tears, to my grief. A few moments of quiet meditation did more for my sanity and assisted me to find presence and clarity of mind.
What becoming a fulltime student of personal development has taught me is that making a definitive decision, taking action and control as fast as you can leads to the best outcomes.
This roller coaster ride led to My decision to have a D & C and say goodbye to our lost “Ollie” (yes, I’d given him/her a pet name too).
The following Tuesday, (after a second lowered HCG blood test result) I booked in to surgically intervene on this mentally, emotionally and physically confusing experience.
The physical signs pointed mostly to a miscarriage, yet I still felt so very heavy, unwell and pregnant. The way I sensed it in my more present of moments out of meditation was, that the evidence pointed to a non-viable pregnancy. Yet my body felt like it wanted to hold onto it?
Sometimes our way to overcoming adversity is not always how you think it will be, you decide what road to take, seize control, and make the decision work for you.
This sickly rollercoaster may have rolled along another few weeks the natural way. However, I still may have needed surgical intervention, not to mention enduring the painful labor of natural miscarriage. As I saw it, I was fatiguing from interrupted sleep, distracted, unhappy and wanted closure.
I think a lot of women must come to this point. As tough and confusing and heartbreaking as it is, as I sit here writing today, I feel comfort in my decision.
It was not easy, not without tears, or without some pain and discomfort.
Comfort came from having gratitude for the short experience of loving the idea of “Ollie” in our family. Comfort from Bridie’s love and kisses on my belly once we told her the “happy-sad” news. Comfort from the fact that I am blessed to have my one healthy and vibrant child and how much easier that experience was in hindsight. Seeing Craig being goofy for the first time on Facebook while I sat on my iPhone in the waiting room – he was obviously trying to cheer himself and Bridie up on the school run given the situation.
I can see where the practical life tools of decision-making, recognizing reactive behavior and eventually course correcting it to maintain a sense of purposeful control have assisted me in overcoming adversity and better coping with my grief and loss. There is comfort as well as power in that.